Two Months In...
I’m about to enter my second month of my non New Years resolution.
I’d made a promise to myself to try and find some peace and let the things that simply don’t matter go. I’m pretty good at projecting a super confident exterior but internally I’m usually a mess of anxiety and lack of confidence. I wanted this year to be the year that I begin to change.
I’m not sure I’ve had much success so far, I’ve found it hard to not worry about the things I’ve said or things I’ve done. (I should point out that it’s not that I shout abuse at people in the street or rob old ladies.) Part of my anxiety is that I feel I’ve constantly reacted negatively or had a snappy tone or just basically been a bit of a dick completely unintentionally. Things that sound ok in my head come out of my mouth incorrectly. I’m reliably informed by my better half that this is never the case but anxiety takes more than some positive words to banish. I’ve also got an almost eidetic memory which means I can recall almost everything that has ever happened in my life. Ever. Not a great mix with anxiety I have to say, particularly coupled with the odd bout of insomnia, I have a lot to think about when I am not asleep!
This all sounds rather negative doesn’t it? But there has been a little progress. I have started to work on saying to myself that however I may have come across or been construed it’s never ever initiated in a negative place. I’m not a negative person by nature, I’m positive and like to find solutions. I’m trying to learn that perhaps it’s not always me that’s got the issue, there are other things in people’s lives that effect them, their mood and their lives. I’m not a bad or malicious person.
Anxiety can make you think that your selfish and self absorbed and I’m accepting that I’m not. It’s other people that I constantly worry about, not myself. The idea of offending or upsetting another person is abhorrent to me. I know I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with or be friends with but I am trying to be more confident in who I am. I’ve always had a tendency to try and make everyone like me but I’m learning that not everyone is going to and that’s ok. I’m also trying to accept that those closest to me will talk to me if I’ve done or said something that’s upset or offended them, and only then can I begin to fix it. Constant worry and anxiety is unnecessary when I’m not even sure I’ve done or said anything in the first place.
I’m by no means at the end of my quest but I feel like I’m making positive steps in the right direction. I don’t have anxiety all of the time and I can go for weeks before it kicks in, so it’s learning to handle the rough with the smooth and not let it take complete control.
I’m confident that this year I can be better, not better but I can be a version of myself that I am comfortable with.