Two Months In...
Two-Month Update
I’m about to enter my second month
of my non New Years resolution.
I’d made a promise to myself to try and find some peace and let the things
that simply don’t matter
go. I’m pretty good at projecting a super confident exterior
but internally I’m usually
a mess of anxiety and lack of confidence. I wanted this year to be the year
that I begin to change.
I’m not sure I’ve had much success
so far, I’ve found it hard to not worry about the things I’ve said or things
I’ve done. (I should point out that it’s not that I shout abuse at people in the
street or rob old ladies.) Part of my anxiety is that I feel I’ve constantly
reacted negatively or had a snappy tone or just basically been a bit of a dick
completely unintentionally. Things that sound ok in my head come out of my
mouth incorrectly. I’m reliably informed by my better half that this is never
the case but anxiety takes more than some positive words to banish. I’ve also
got an almost eidetic memory which means I can recall almost everything that
has ever happened in my life. Ever. Not a great mix with anxiety I have to say,
particularly coupled with the odd bout of insomnia, I have a lot to think about
when I am not asleep!
This all sounds rather negative
doesn’t it? But there has been a little progress. I have started to work on
saying to myself that however I may have come across or been construed
it’s never ever initiated in a negative place. I’m not a negative person by
nature, I’m positive and like to find solutions. I’m trying to learn that
perhaps it’s not always me that’s got the issue, there are other things in
people’s lives that effect them, their mood and their lives. I’m not a bad or
malicious person.
Anxiety can make you think that
your selfish and self absorbed and I’m accepting that I’m not. It’s other
people that I constantly worry about, not myself. The idea of offending or
upsetting another person is abhorrent to me. I know I’m not an easy person to be
in a relationship with or be friends with but I am trying to be more confident
in who I am. I’ve always
had a tendency to try and make everyone like me but I’m learning that not
everyone is going to and that’s ok. I’m also
trying to accept that those closest to me will talk to me if I’ve done or said something that’s upset or offended them, and only then can I begin to
fix it. Constant worry and anxiety is unnecessary when I’m not even sure I’ve done or said anything in the first place.
I’m by no means at the end of my
quest but I feel like I’m making positive steps in the right direction. I don’t
have anxiety all of the time and I can go for weeks before it kicks in, so it’s
learning to handle the rough with the smooth and not let it take complete
control.
I’m confident that this year I can
be better, not better but I can be a version of myself that I am comfortable
with.
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