Voices

I’ve been trying to find the right words to explain what it’s like to live with a second voice in my head. It’s the same voice that reminds me that I need to go shopping, the voice that reads stories to me or reminds me of those happy memories. Yet it isn’t that voice at the same time, it’s darker, more sinister, evil. For every positive thing that I achieve it whispers I could have done it better. It’s the voice that’s whispering to me right now, saying that I’m not explaining things properly, that I can’t write this, one of the other Selfish Mothers could do it better.

It finds a way to tarnish everything I achieve by pointing out a flaw, it doesn’t even have to be accurate but the fact that it places the doubt in my mind is sufficient. It’s always with me, like a constant companion; a second shadow that follows me around. It favours the quiet parts of the day, in the bath when I’m trying to relax or at night when I’m desperate for sleep, then it will rear its pretty little head. It knows every little thing about me and turns it all against me. It knows when I am due to go out with friends or have a weekend away…and it is has patience…

It can go quiet for days on end allowing me to build some confidence;perhaps feel that i’ve broken the pattern of thinking negatively…but then wait!! It will return worse than ever

Useless
Hopeless
Ugly
Fat
Lazy
Stupid
Bad Mother
Unkind
Moody
Over sensitive
No friends

I talk about my anxiety as a thing, as though it is separate to me; that’s because it is. I have no control over it, when it will flare up, the form it will take or how debilitated I will be. It is part of me but it isn’t. It dominates, controls and at times can completely destroy me. It’s like living with a Devil on my shoulder, except the Angel who should be on the other side is bound and gagged; as the Devil continues to bellow loudly in my ear with a megaphone. It makes me feel like I’m mad, the voice that shouts abuse at me that of course only I can hear.

I don’t think I can say I will ever be in control with my anxiety, I hope that one day I will be able to live with it more easily. I hope that I hide it well enough that my two children never realise that the battle that is going on in my head.
I’m hoping to try a new approach to my anxiety…I’m hoping to find a way to be kinder to myself and hope that this will quieten the voice…

I find that I hope a lot…