Money Money Money

Money.
Ever since we made the decision that I wouldn’t return to work following my maternity leave, my world revolves around money. Seriously I budget to within an inch of my life. We have a spreadsheet and everything. It’s become a bit of an obsession, I check the bank statements online religiously and enter the info into my pretty colour coded spreadsheet, and to be completely honest it’s terrifying.

I say we made the decision but really if you think about it, it is my decision alone, I was the one who wanted to stay with my children, I was the one who didn’t want to go back to work; and therefore I am the one who has put a strain on our finances.

I worry a lot. Have I made the right choice? I had a good job and a good salary and I’ve walked away from that. Yes ok I admit with the nursery fees for two children, never mind the complex logistics it made financial sense to stay at home but was it just a selfish choice? My husband worries that his job isn’t good enough to provide enough for us all, I worry that the children will go without and their Christmases and Birthdays won’t be special enough. I know that’s a materialistic view to take and that many will say having their mother every day is worth more…but we live in a materialistic world…I don’t think there’s a good parent alive rightly or wrongly who doesn’t want to give their child everything!

I’m good at worrying; if it was an Olympic sport I’d have a gold medal and a world record. In fact I’d probably be the undefeated champion;  I worry about if the heating breaks down can we afford to fix it? When I’m using the dryer all day because it’s chucking it down with rain will the electricity bill be too much. Am I losing my friends because I rarely go out as it costs money. I’m one of the only mothers in my friendship group, the other (mothers included) all work. They think I’m mad, don’t know how I occupy my time. I’m not likely to say ‘oh sorry I can’t come out tonight as we can’t really afford it’ so it’s coming up with excuses which by now must be starting to sound like excuses. It’s not as though I mind being at home, I’m a solitary person by nature and find socialising hard…I suppose I have given up the chance for some ‘me’ time. We both have really.

There’s that saying ‘Money can’t buy you happiness…’ And that’s true to a point, but it can buy you security, and I worry has my decision taken that away from us? Are we destined to watch the money because I chose to stay at home. I am aware that I have brought this worry on myself, no-one forced me to into this decision I made it fully aware…doesn’t mean I’m completely comfortable with it’s impact though. So maybe I should reconsider? I wouldn’t be home as often and someone else would pick my eldest up from school come September and someone else would get to watch my daughter take her first unaided steps but we would have more stability more security.

I guess I feel a little sad…whatever I do I’ll lose something and whatever I do I’ll feel the guilt. I guess for now I’ll keep filling in my colour coded spreadsheet…it’s very pretty.