I don’t sleep…

Some nights I don’t sleep at all, and it’s not because my beautiful children keep me awake, i am fortunate that more often than not they sleep right through the night. It’s not because my husband snores or hogs the bed; it’s because my brain simply won’t shut up.
 Have you seen those memes on Facebook? I think they are memes, the ones about insomnia and how your brain brings up that horrible thing you did five years ago? That’s me.
Although it’s not solely confined to my past transgressions it can be things I’ve done that day. If I’ve been short tempered with the children, my eldest is somewhat challenging at the moment.  if I have let him have his iPad have I let him have it too long; should I not be using the time when my youngest is napping to play with him? If we’re watching a movie and he asks me question 6999 and I lose my temper could I have handled it differently.
Today was not a good day for me. We attended a school friends birthday party, my husband was off work so came with me so I didn’t have to balance a 4 year old and a 1 year old alone in a play-barn. I was the only one there with my partner. Today is Friday so most people’s partners would be at work but I spent the whole party feeling inferior because other mums do it alone. In fact other mums seem infinitely more calm and patient and generally have their shit together.
As the night roles on I know I can lie awake listing all my faults and failings; after all there’s nothing else to do is there? Oh yes SLEEP! But wait I haven’t remembered the other bad thing I did!
I also seem to be particularly wonderful at opening my mouth at the worst moments and saying something that is completely offensive by accident…so again today whilst discussing school places I mentioned to a friend with relief that a particularly feisty child had not got a place…whilst sighing with relief…his dad was stood behind me…sigh.
And so at night as the house is quiet and still, I fill the silence with all my misdemeanours both old and new. Wondering how I can be a better human and I promise myself that tomorrow will be a better day; it’s tomorrow in 5 minutes so I better get my shit sorted quickly.
 Tomorrow I won’t say anything stupid , I’ll keep my patience with the children and will bite my lip as the questions come thick and fast. I will keep my opinions firmly to myself and just concentrate on my own bubble and maybe then I can sleep. Oh please let me sleep.
 I don’t sleep…some nights I don’t sleep at all.


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